‘It makes me sick to my stomach’: How Shaquai Mitchell battled back from mental health demons

Public transport isn’t common for most NRL players, and it’s a far cry from the glamorous image many have of the game’s elite.

But there’s a few reasons why it’s right for Mitchell, who will be 27 next month. He lives in Blacktown with his wife and three kids simply because it’s cheaper than cramming into a smaller and convenient but more expensive place in Sydney’s east.

In November he was promoted to the Rabbitohs’ top 30 list after a long and inspiring battle to turn his life around, but his two-year contract is still a fraction of that of superstar younger brother, Latrell Mitchell.

And so, he boards the train. Head down, face mask on, trying to stay away from everybody.

“I’m not a city boy, I’m a country boy so I hate the city,” he tells CODE Sports.

“The train is good, though, it keeps me centred.

“I always sit by myself and people usually stay away from me, but the only problem is when they start talking to me they know I’m nice.”

It’s true, there’s a genuine friendliness about the Souths prop that is obvious once you sit down with him. He has an easy smile, makes eye contact and is polite. If there was ever a gentle giant this is probably him.

And if you didn’t know, you would never guess the pain that’s hidden behind that smile.

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Mitchell has been brutally honest about his battle with depression and anxiety, which at his lowest, convinced him to attempt suicide.

The years between 2017 and 2019 were the darkest, where just his wife Alkira knew what was going on.

“I’m a person who kept things in, I hide it very well,” he says.

“The vulnerability part was the scary part for me, actually being honest about how I feel. No one knew until I said something.

“I went two or three years without telling anyone.”

Past tense of course. He speaks so openly about his struggles now, and admits that he’s on the road to recovery – not fully recovered. Mental illness is not something that magically heals itself.

For Mitchell, his last suicide attempt was a turning point. He and Alkira had two children at the time, daughter Yuliya (now 7) and Djuukan (now 5), and he had to turn his life around for them.

“The last time I attempted to commit suicide, that was my fourth and last one,” he says.

“I’m honest, it’s out there.

“Talking about it and speaking about it is helping people, and I didn’t even know that. A lot of people sent me messages after my last interview, saying that they had attempted too, and thanking me for the inspiration.

“I don’t see it that way, I just see this platform as a chance to show that a lot of young men suffer and to help end some of that stigma as well. I want to help as much as I can, because I was a part of it.

“I was in that tunnel, I always thought I would never see the light at the end of it.”

Sitting in the stands at Redfern Oval, a full-time NRL player, that person is unrecognisable to Mitchell literally and figuratively. Since being at his lowest, just four years ago, he’s shed around 50kg and earned himself an NRL deal for the first time when the Rabbitohs upgraded his contract in November. He’s played Indigenous All Stars twice now and three NRL games.

He looks back a lot just to see how far he’s come.

“I don’t recognise that person because it’s blurry to me. I don’t remember a lot of that stuff,” he says.

“My wife explains to me how I was and it makes me sick to my stomach.

“I look back now and I’m so proud of where I’ve come from to where I am now, living the dream. I’ve played for my people, I’ve played for this amazing club and hopefully along the line, if I keep training hard and keep pushing through, maybe a sky blue jersey or an Australian jersey.

“That’s a long way away and it may never happen, but you never know.”

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He knows it can happen because it did for his inspiration, Cody Walker.

The Souths five-eighth debuted at the age of 26 – the same age as Mitchell last year – and has gone on to play State of Origin as one of the best players in the competition.

“Shaq’s just an amazing story of what you can achieve with hard work and perseverance. I remember when he first came to the club, we spoke about him using me as an inspiration, it’s quite a good feeling that my story helped him as a young kid,” Walker says.

“It’s crazy how the world works. It’s crazy how I’ve got this connection with that family.

“I debuted in the same game as Latrell [in round 1 of 2016, Latrell playing for the Roosters], and Shaq debuted at 26 in my 150th game [in round 8, 2022].

“It’s just weird. Latrell coming over here [to Souths] after he debuted, and we just have this special bond that not many people have in rugby league … we’re pretty tight.

“It (Shaquai’s rise) is a great example of people going through a tough time in life, but if you put your mind to something you are able to achieve anything, really.”

With the support of friends and family, Mitchell will never go back to the dark days.

“Being a dad to me is everything, it’s a sense of responsibility that never ends,” he says.

“It’s something I’ve always wanted to be, a good father. With my first two kids I wasn’t there.

“Going through my depression and anxiety, I was there but I wasn’t mentally present.

“Now that I’m on the road to recovery, and I know who I am and they know who I am, there’s such a sense of pride in being a dad.”

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Mitchell and his wife Alkira welcomed another baby into their family five months ago – a boy named Ngaluwi, meaning ‘the wave’ in Gathang, the language of Birrbay people. The traditional Aboriginal name goes with Djuukan, which means ‘the sun’ in Gathang, and Yuliya, which means butterfly. It’s his daughter’s personal totem, Mitchell explains.

A proud Indigenous man, continuing culture is so important to Mitchell, and also to Alkira.

The couple met on the first day of Year 12 in Taree, when he had returned home from playing SG Ball with the Roosters, and have been together ever since.

“My wife is my main support, and she is amazing. We’ve suffered for so many years with my mental state and now we’re finally coming into the light where we can actually enjoy ourselves and enjoy each other and look forward to something positive each year,” he says.

“I don’t wish [what we have been through] upon anyone.

“I went through depression and anxiety in my early 20s, so in my late 20s I can get stuck into footy and into my career and then retire out in the country and make sure my kids have an awesome life and have a kick start in life.

“Last year was a massive year for us and this year is going to be even bigger.”